The Wagstaff Weekly

I am still considering buying a smart TV but if I am honest, I’m not that bothered. If I do get a new one, I am thinking of moving up to a 32” screen but blimey the amount of people who have said ’32 inch? That’s small!’

My friend’s daughter is a real people-person. She is very thoughtful and writes nice letters and notes and very rarely forgets a birthday. She forgot mine the other week and left me an answer-message to apologise for her ‘tardiness’.

My wife and her sister have to sit where they want in a restaurant or they cannot enjoy the meal. Their friend is the same. For that reason I booked a seat in the window but when we arrived there was a couple sitting at our table. The waitress apologised and owned up to not having checked the seating plan…..and gave us a 10% discount.

It’s happened; we’ve put the heating on!! I think we have done really well to last until late November. Anyway the boiler obviously threw a mardy at not being asked to pump water to the radiators since the spring and gave up after twenty minutes.

We are so paranoid about cooking chicken and always give it longer in the pan or the oven than it ever needs. We are even more paranoid about it being off and deliberate for ages over the smell, even if the piece of chicken is well within the use-by date. The amount we have taken back to the shop or even thrown away over the years is crazy.

I have decided to replace the battery in the door bell and I am looking forward to the fun and games. We stopped using it because every fourth or fifth car that goes but sets it off.

I asked my son what time the Filter Fairy was coming because who else would be refilling the water filter. It is the same fairy that flushes the loo, makes the beds and washes the dishes.

I haven’t been to a Little Chef in donkey’s years. What is a donkey’s year? Well apparently it used to be donkey’s ears; rhyming slang for “years” but donkey’s years has become the norm now.

Fluffy toys in cars – no! Fluffy toys on the dashboard – no no no!!

I must be the worst person I know at telling someone’s age. I was chatting to my friend about the “young guy” and he asked ‘what young guy? He’s 36!’ Blimey! I would have said 19 or 20.

I still tell people to drive safely when they leave the office. I am such a dad.

I just remembered that something fell down the chimney at the back of the gas fire the night before we flew off on holiday…..last year! I think I had better get it checked out. The guttering needs clearing out too. I really do hate organising that kind of thing – like it’s a big deal.

I love the phrase ‘beggars belief’. Politicians use it all the time to illustrate how outraged they are.

Have you ever won anything on the Lotto? Years ago on the very first night I got three numbers and my father-in-law got the other three. Since then hardly a sausage.

Rather than your favourite Christmas song, what is you least favourite? I know Rob Persani’s is Santa Clause is Coming to Town by Bruce Springsteen.

How stupid does my wife think I am? Did she have to keep reminding me to set the heating controls? Anyway the boiler came on at 7 o’clock as programmed, the trouble was, it was the hot water that came on and not the heating!

What is the difference between a tin and a can? Same thing, different name I guess.

How much are you spending on each other this Christmas? Is it really bad that my wife and I don’t buy each other anything at all, preferring to wait for the January sales and get something for the house? Who says romance is dead?

Actually I have never heard anyone claim that romance is dead!

I am useless at the Pano shot on my phone. I appreciate the arrow doesn’t have to follow the line exactly but I always get a wavy hand.

What a surreal day out I had at the weekend. We asked the assistant in the store to explain a little about dehumidifiers and he said ‘nothing to it. Just plug it in and off you go!’ Sensing he wasn’t really across the workings of these things, I politely asked him how many litres they hold, how much energy they use and how noisy are they?

In the carpet shop the woman asked if we were looking for a carpet but the building society was my favourite. I asked the guy behind the counter for a withdrawal and after he had completed the paperwork, he asked if there was anything else he could help me with. I said ‘yes you could actually give me the money please’.

To be fair there was a good chance I would thank him and walk away without taking the cash, I am that forgetful. So forgetful that my sister-in-law gave me the tenner she owed me and had she not have done so, I would have never ever have remembered.

We all have them (me more than most!), those moments when others quite rightly question how we manage to get through life. We got some shopping vouchers through the post and I mentioned there are benefits to the supermarkets tracking what you buy. At this my wife said ‘oh I thought we were just lucky to get the coupons for the things we regularly get’.

Please don’t ask me if I’m sure. I measured up for a carpet in the spare room and was confident that I had the right measurements until the shop asked I was absolutely certain. Now I’m not.

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