The Weekly Wagstaff

I like nothing more than standing in the pouring rain in a car park being asked to put my car's (full) registration number in the ticket machine. I have said this before, surely the machines cost more than people parking illegally or giving their tickets to someone else. Perhaps not.

I have just realised I have no idea about deer. You hear about them running loose on a motorway and sometimes it’s the way you are heading. Anyway I’ve never seen any and have long suspected it was code for something else…..what I cannot imagine. The other day I was driving along and two young deer ran in front my car and off into a field.

I think I said the most stupid thing I have ever said to my son and his mate, I said ‘…..are you in for tea tonight, its salad?’

I was asked what my least favourite chocolate bar is and to be honest, I cannot think of one. Is that bad?

What do you buy to get change? I never have any money on me when I park. Yesterday I bought a paper and chewing gum and a Lotto ticket before that. I will run out of options of stuff I want soon, and yes, I appreciate it would be so much easier to keep some money on me.

Speaking of car parks, it would be really interesting to know just how many accidents happen in them. I would imagine it’s pretty high. My son was inching his way to the exit when a car reversed in to him as he drove by. To add insult to injury, the driver jumped out his car and asked my lad what he thought he was doing. Luckily for the driver he didn’t get my wife.

Its official, throwing sticks for dogs can be dangerous. Tell me about it, I threw one for my dog once (actually loads of times) and caught my wife in the eye as she stood behind me. Also at the weekend there was a dog in the park, with what I can only be described as a branch in its mouth, who clattered straight in to me with it.

Why do some men wear shorts in the coldest of weathers? Posties do but they are tough! My neighbour was getting the ice off his car the other morning in a pair of shorts! Down the road another neighbour was doing likewise in his drive, in a dressing gown and nothing on his feet. I was fully rugged-up, it was about -2.

They are still people with Christmas lights up…..why?

You know you are getting old when the swimming baths they built when you were a child is being knocked down. I’m guessing it’s a structural fault and it’s being demolished way ahead of its time.

I see Ninja Warrior UK is back. I’ll be honest it’s not my cup of tea. The Getaway Car doesn’t appeal to me either. I am wondering though if Saturday night TV is any worse today than it was years ago.

What does Saturday night television mean to you? Of course it defines your age - Blind Date, Gladiators, Knight Rider, Tales of the Unexpected, The generation Game etc.

I quite like Boy George on the Voice. Here’s a thing, can you name any of the Voice winners? Neither can I but I’ve looked it up and it’s Leanne Mitchell, Andrea Begley, Jermain Jackman and Stevie McCrorie.

How to look like a 5-year old - Take a swig of coffee in the middle of the office but inexplicably miss part of your mouth thus dribbling liquid down your chin, shirt, tie and on the desk, while people are watching. It works every time.

An on-going New Year’s resolution over the years has been not to leave all the unopened post in the hall for weeks on end. I have now accomplished that! I’ve put it in a box in the spare room. In fairness I do intend to sit down any day now to go through stuff that has been piling up since about the start of December. OK not that long ago but you get the idea.

Don’t you love opening something up on YouTube and finding you can’t skip the ad? 

It always used to make me laugh when my son was much younger and could run round a football pitch non-stop for 90 minutes but got tired after 5 minutes of shopping with his mum.

I hate eating chips in the car!

I saw a sign in shop that said ‘Hot sausage rolls to take away’. What else would you do with them?

You don’t seem to see stray dogs anymore. When I was a boy they seemed to be everywhere.

There is nothing more embarrassing than singing out aloud to a song and getting the words wrong.

The menu said to let the staff know if you have an allergy so I told the waitress I’m not good around cat hair.

Apparently one in five under 35-year olds have never set foot on a British beach! How can this be true? Where's your favourite UK beach? I give you Blackpool Sands near Dartmouth and the Gower Peninsula in Wales. Some nice ones up the East Coast too.

Complete this sentence: I couldn't find any proper cutlery, so I ate with…..The answer when it comes to a buffet is either a slice of carrot or a bread stick.

I am always hugely impressed and at the same time embarrassed by my own inadequacies, at how well the majority of foreigner workers in this country speak fluent English.

Bread is no good for ducks – fact! The sign in the local park said so. Apparently it doesn’t give them the right nutrients. Perhaps someone should tell the birds. I always found if you got to the park too late in the day to throw bread in the water, the ducks were usually full by then.

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