The Weekly Wagstaff

We cannot be the only ones with loads of tester paint pots around the house. How infuriating is it when you take the lid off and find it doesn’t have a brush?

Now I am really confused – the pamphlet I got on lowering my cholesterol a year or two back said opt for marmalade over spread because there is less fat. The problem is marmalade = sugar! I’ve started alternating what I have on my toast each day. One report I read said that butter may actually be better for you than those light spreads…..who knows?

I think this is my favourite reason for failing the driving test…..talking! Someone I know admitted they were so nervous on the day that they couldn’t stop talking to the examiner, so much so that the lights turned from red to green to red again and he was subsequently failed.

I like how the waiter said ‘the plate may be hot’ in the same way the nurse says ‘this may sting a little’.

I mentioned the nine new wind turbines on the A46 that look quite neat with their huge propellers as you come over the hill. That said, the other day it was dark and foggy and all you could see were the red lights at the top of each pylon suspended high in mid-air, giving out an eerie glow every time a blade cut across the light.   

We could be a step closer to driverless cars according to a report. Where does that leave driving instructors?

If there was an Olympic event for jumping out of bed with cramp, I’m your man.

How bored on the motorway? We were googling the prices of posh cars overtaking us. Did you know you can pay up to £53,000 for an Audi A7?

Rolling an orange on a surface makes it easier to peel apparently.

Moments when your heart sinks – Someone ahead of you in the sandwich shop grabs the last baguette, the barriers stay down when the train goes through, just the one person at the head of the long taxi queue gets in the next car and someone at the end of a meeting says ‘yes me’ when asked ‘any other business?’  

I think I really do need to review my lifestyle. It wasn’t until the other day that I realised I go for ages between eating meals, which is ridiculous, especially when you consider I have been doing it for years.  It’s the polar opposite of ‘little and often’. I usually have breakfast before 6 in the morning, lunch around midday and an evening meal any time after 8 o’clock, and often nearer 9.

My wife just called me and sounded surprised when I answered. She apologised and said she was just trying to clear the screen.

We are a polite nation until, at times, it comes to customer service. My sister-in-law called a restaurant and the conversation went pretty much like this: Owner – ‘hello’ SIL – ‘yes can I provisionally book a table for 8 please?’ Owner – ‘No you either book it fully or not at all’

If there was ever a sign of age - I cannot sit through two recorded episodes of Corrie anymore. I usually fall asleep by the middle of the first half of the second one. I can do Friday's (must be the impending weekend) but no chance on a Monday.

Speaking of Coronation Street, Derek Griffiths is in it at the moment. It took me a few minutes to work out he was in Playschool.

My friend has ants! He found a couple on the dining room table.

What lies have you told your children? I always find the one where you tell them that the ice cream van chimes means they have run out of ice cream, particularly cruel.

What have you been saying wrong for years? Me, chuckney instead of chutney and expresso instead of espresso, among countless others. On the other hand, I do say sandwich instead of samwich.

The road sign 'Hidden Dip' always makes me smile and I have no idea why. It’s like they put a dip in the road and at the last minute put a sign up to warn you.

Life before or after the Internet?

Do you hyperventilate if you lose your mobile signal? I have to admit it drivers me crazy if I can't get 3G.

We pay £5 for our windows to be cleaned while my sister-in-law pays £6. Here's the thing, we have the same window cleaner!

Do you argue who goes to the bin? No? Just us then.

I love it on MasterChef when they put together a right concoction and it tastes awful. You think those together, really?

Whisper it but the temperatures could be in double figures this Easter.

This is getting serious, people with long extendable dog leads and mobile phones. I was walking behind a woman with a dog trailing behind her and I nearly fell over it. All I could hear was her saying ‘no don’t do that’ thinking she was talking to the mutt; instead she was hands-free talking to the office. I know this because in the split second I walked by her, she said something about restructuring everything.  

Here is a typical conversation in our house: 

Me: 'Are the shopping bags in your car?'

My wife: 'No they are in my car'

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