The Wagstaff Weekly

  • The Wagstaff Weekly

    Friday, June 3rd, 2016 8:38am

    My favourite phrase this week? ‘Referendum Ready.’

    Remember when I asked why you see so many bees on the floor and I found out it’s because they simply run (fly?) out of energy on the way back to the hive? Anyway, there was a bumble bee on its back (and on its knees metaphorically) on the path, and clearly on its way out. My son read online that a solution of water and sugar can revive them, so he gave it a try. He carefully flipped the bee over and dribbled some of the liquid next to it and voilà! It took some and flew off.

    Sugar has featured a fair bit over the last week. There was the sandwich shop for instance, who must love me going in and providing so much entertainment. I asked for ‘a salmon salad on a brown baguette with no sugar - I mean butter.’ Everyone sniggered.

    I have also stated to become a little paranoid about my sugar intake, looking at the amount on every jar, pack and packet. If the guidelines are correct, we all have way too much. A few chocolate biscuits and you have almost had your daily allowance!

    Don’t even ask about chocolate raisins, but I simply cannot resist them.

    I am about to start reading a book on health and lifestyle choices and how it can possibly help you live a longer, fitter, healthier life. I would rather be reading a novel, and I know what it’s going to say - eat better, exercise and get plenty of sleep.

    Do you know in some shops you have to be 21 to buy a pair of scissors? The assistant did that thing of making an exaggerated point to my wife, as if she hadn’t reached that age yet.

    I had such a laugh yesterday watching my son trying to put together some garden furniture – he was Colin Clueless. He kept looking through the window with puppy-dog pleading eyes, in the hope that I would go outside and help him sort it, which of course I did with a ‘leave it to me, I’ll take it from here son’ nod.

    Billy Corkhill is in Emmerdale! John McArdle who played Billy in Brookie. He’s 66 and my wife says she still fancies him.

    We have a sunbathing squirrel in the garden. It lays on the top of the fence for ages in the sunshine and the other morning it sprawled out on the patio like a dog.

    My son took me for a drink the other night, we didn’t go out until 9.40pm. He said it was early for him and his mates.

    Wow - so the young lad in Diversity with the hair grew up all of a sudden.

    What if one swallow does make a summer?

    I did that thing of having a long conversation on the phone as I drove home and not remembering the journey at all.

    Do you put the name of your pet(s) in cards? Our friend does, we always get it from her, her partner and Frank the rabbit.

    I washed my car and if I say so myself, I thought I did a reasonable job. I pulled in to the supermarket and one of the car washers tapped on the window and asked if I need the car washing.

  • The Wagstaff Weekly

    Friday, May 27th, 2016 8:58am

    I have seen a number of 'free Wi-Fi' notices recently - no one charges for the Internet now do they?

    I am in ‘clothes delay’. The weather turns warm and I’m still in a jumper for a few days, it gets colder and I’m still in a t shirt.

    I just deleted something that I actually wanted to delete rather than doing it accidentally.

    So I was running late for a meeting and didn’t really dry my hands properly and must have made a great impression by shaking hands with a clammy palm. That and introducing myself by saying ‘Hi Rob, I’m Ian.’ 

    Is Top Gear coming back?

    I have a real thing about people leaving stuff outside charity shops – don’t do it! Go when the shops are open. I drove by one on Saturday night and someone had left a settee at the door.

    My 20-year old cannot tie a tie. I had to put his on, tie it, loosened it and slip it over his head.

    I’m a little obsessed with my new walking app and don’t stroll anywhere without it. It’s full of useful information, like the health centre is exactly 1k from my house and if you go up the private road with the big gated houses, it’s 3k back to my door. It isn’t clever enough though to show that I stopped off at the paper shop.

    Random but, I don't think I have ever seen a swan taking off.

    A man nearly took my eye out yesterday! I was walking just behind him and he had one of those sticks with a ball cup on the end that dog owners have for throwing a ball. Anyway, we swung the stick and almost hit me. He didn’t apologise but I don’t think he even saw me.

    I had a serious ‘talking to’ by a colleague in the office the other day. It was one of those ‘we are all concerned about you’ conversations. They are concerned because I put the milk in the cup BEFORE I pour water over the teabag. I cannot believe this is still a big issue. Someone who has only just found I do it was incredulous.

    Do we have a jogging epidemic? I don’t think I have ever seen so many people running around the parks and streets. Is the whole country on a health kick?

    I tried to sneak by the cheery young man at the charity pop-up stand near the door in the supermarket. I would have made it if a woman had not almost barged in to me. Anyway, I loved his opening line which was ‘hello sir, do you know about first aid?’ They obviously only have a reply for no because I said yes and he simply went ‘oh.’

    Wow – it is still light at 9.50pm. It just creeps up on you. That and the chirping birds at 4.30.

    I was going out of the house and my wife said '…..be careful'. What was I going to do? Walk a tightrope? Walk over broken glass? Disarm a bomb? Nope - the big shop!

    Still got any Easter eggs left? Why does Easter egg chocolate always taste better than chocolate bars? Is it because it’s thinner?

    As soon as I pick up a book everyone around me wants to ask me things.

    The sales assistant in the shop surveyed me and got a 36” regular trouser off the rack. I told him I’m a 34 and he scoffed in a ‘yes and I’m David Beckham’ fashion.

    I have spoken about this before but I went to see the doctor at 7.50am because they now have an early surgery. My wife asked if I was really going because her logic is, he might not be fully awake!

    I booked my car in for an MOT and the assistant insisted in reading the registration number and postcode back as Delta, Lima etc. Please don’t do that, it just confuses me.

    Is it normal for pets to have a favourite toy in the same way children do?

    Why do carpet fitters always leave enough carpet to do another room?

    Remember when your mum used to keep telling you to stop showing off? That and your grandparents saying things like, ‘wear the old ones out first.’

    You can never find anything you are looking for in the newspaper. Vouchers are best – Try finding those when you are looking back through a week’s worth of papers.

  • The Weekly Wagstaff

    Thursday, April 28th, 2016 1:47pm

    Apparently cracking your knuckles does cause arthritis. Does it or doesn’t it? Next week it won’t.

    I get emails notifying me when there is a cheaper energy tariff available. Usually though, they are from companies I’ve never heard of.

    My wife saved a stranger £50! She went to the cash machine and saw a card and notes sticking out, and a man a little way down the road putting his wallet away. She caught up with him, asked how much he had taken out of the hole in the wall, and he verified it was five £10 notes. He said that his wife would have killed him….it was her card.

    I have done that before, left money in the cash point but I don’t think I have put my wallet away minus the cash and card.

    When did a party political broadcast become a party election broadcast?

    I don’t envy cyclists on busy roads but some don’t do themselves any favours by going through red lights.

    I love that line in football, ‘the manager’s lost the dressing room.’ He must go in there every day, how can he forget where it is? 

    I rarely buy anything online but I do get excited when a parcel arrives.

    I was in the supermarket when I bumped into my friend who immediately surveyed the contents of my trolley and announced that I had too much dairy product. He was probably right and now I think I should try and give it up. He suggested putting the semi-skimmed milk back and trying almond milk instead. I picked up a carton but put it down when he had gone. I just didn’t fancy it.

    My friend was telling me her friend loves ironing! Who loves ironing, apart from my friend’s friend? That said I actually do like doing a big pile of dishes.

    I had to cancel the service on my car and nothing the person at the call centre said convinced me that they were going to pass the message on to the garage.....I may be wrong.

    What do you think about when you think of BHS? For some reason the lighting department and having lunch there with my mum when I was a young lad.

    I love discovering new short cuts.

    Why are announcements on trains so long and why do they keep apologising for any delays?

    Imagine your team has just lost an FA cup semi-final at Wembley to the same team they lost to at Wembley previously, and on both occasions they didn’t play particularly well. Imagine that your mum calls you to say ‘never mind, at least you got there again and you will save money by not having to go to the final.’ Can you tell my wife isn’t a football fan?

    Where has April gone? This really isn't funny.

    I agonised whether to have a flapjack with my coffee. It was 8.6 grams of saturated fat but I had it anyway. I had to have a longer walk that night and a salad for tea.

    How cunning are supermarkets putting the clothing right at the door as you walk in?

    You must love cooking to make cuscus from scratch. I love couscous but haven't got a clue what's in it.

    I would dread to think what I would cook if I was given a load of ingredients on MasterChef, I wouldn’t have a clue.

    Anyone started with hay fever yet?

    My friend said he paid at the pump the other day and felt like he was driving off without paying because he didn’t go to the kiosk.

    I like that word – kiosk. Proper kiosks are those abroad that sell cigarettes, newspapers and bottles of water.

    I was wrong - the call centre did pass on the message about my car’s service.

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