The Wagstaff Weekly

I have honed down my New Year’s resolutions to just the one…..have a half hour walk every day. Job done!

We have put the Christmas decorations away and did that thing of walking around as a pair to make sure we haven't missed anything. It really doesn't matter though because we will come across something we missed in a month or two.

We were pretty ruthless and ditched loads of old trimmings except for a fairy we have had for years. My wife said it is bad luck to throw one of those away.

I've said this before, if there was a GB team for clumsiness, I would be in the squad. I dropped a bottle of beer in the kitchen and the ale obeyed the law of spilt seeped under the fridge, just like milk always does. Anyway, I immediately stepped on a shard of glass and when I had cleared it up and was putting the debris in the bid, I cut my finger.

This doesn't keep me awake at night but I have always wondered if a pair of twins are born either side of midnight, do they have separate birthdays? What if one of the days was 29th February?

I am such an idiot in shops. I was in a checkout queue and the person in front of me was taking an age to get served and the assistant had rung for a colleague. She arrived and I move across to the next till, only to find that it wasn't being opened because the assistant who turned up went to look for something on the shelves. Of course I was the only one standing there who didn’t realise this.

We are the proud owners of a brand new smoothie maker. I say we, my son bought it. He’s made one drink so far and I have made a bet he won’t make more than two.

Please tell me I am not the only one to try and add a friend on Facebook but report them for spam by mistake.

My wife says I never listen but I must do because I have heard her say that numerous times.

Mr Selfridge is back but on Friday nights instead of a Sunday. Is that demotion?

I spent the longest weekend ever putting up a flat-pack wardrobe. I am not kidding, it took two whole days and I defy anyone to build it any quicker. No more assembly for me for the next few months.

I am really looking forward to all the calls I’m going to get again this year. The ones that start with ‘… you mind if I call you Robin?’ and the ones that wait until the middle of Corrie.

I have more money in my account than I think I should have. Everything has gone out and I still have more than I thought. I have missed something haven’t I?

I have a new name for a chocolate bar, it’s called 'Anything!' because if I pull up at a petrol station, l am usually asked to get a bar of chocolate and when I ask which one, the reply is 'just bring me anything'.

A couple of times I have been finishing up using the self-serve till and before I could move away, someone has come along and put their shopping on the ledge on the other side of the machine. Anyway, something similar happened at the cashpoint. I sensed this guy hopping from foot to foot behind me and as soon as I started to move away, he jumped in. Luckily I had made sure the screen had returned to the start menu.

I really believe, without wishing to be dramatic but not minding if I am a little, that had I not have stopped my car on New Year’s Day, the car that overtook the oncoming lorry would have hit me head-on!

Have you/would you renew your marriage vows? I know of someone who has done it more than once.

How sad can you get? My son is talking about buying the box-set of Ice Road Truckers! Mind you I’m thinking ‘come on!!’

My wife found a lotto ticket on the floor near her car and so naturally we checked to see if it was a winner. What would you do if you found one and it was?

Do cars still have those little wipers on the headlights? Speaking of wipers, I cannot get out the car if I’ve turned off the engine and the wipers have come to rest half way across the screen.

How mild recently? New Year’s Day was the first day I zipped my coat up this winter.

Are you known for any particular antidotes that you always trot out?

I forgot the Yorkshires OK? My wife asked me at the start of my journey home and an hour later I forgot to nip in to the local supermarket. How much grief did I get from everyone at home when I got in?

How would your friends describe you to someone?

What is your favourite way to kill time?

Mobile phone law: The phone is on silent and you miss ten calls. Turn the volume to the loudest setting and nobody calls all day.

Someone asked me what the thing is called that you use to turn on the TV with. I was tempted to say my son but I said ‘the remote’. She agreed but others call it (incorrectly) “the controller”.

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