The Wagstaff Weekly

What is 30’ x 20’? I’d say 30 feet by 20 feet but the person who wrote it said they meant metres.

Don’t you hate it when tap water has a tang to it? I think ‘tang’ is something we say in our house because I’ve Googled it and it didn’t come up with anything. Anyway, when the water has a synthetic taste to it. Do I mean metallic or synthetic?

Me and my big mouth – I answered my phone and I kid you not, everyone in the bus station in Oakham looked up or turned round to look at me. In fairness, as you know, it’s a really small bus station – basically its one long bus stop.

I cannot make David Ross a cup of coffee. He has three and a half sugars (down from four) but I find it physically impossible to heap that many in.

Why is it that I get cross when it’s suggested I’ve fallen asleep in front of the TV? I’m banged to rights but I can’t help saying ‘I HAVEN’T!’

I’ve gone through the winter without so much as a sniffle but now I have a cold, and do you know how I got it? I wore my short coat to the match on Saturday! Yes, it has nothing to do with a virus and everything to do with not being, and I quote’, ‘wrapped up at the football.’

Do you know there should be a law against having a phone to your ear as you are driving! How about this, if you don’t have hands-free, put your phone out of sight so you can’t use it.

Of course hangers should all be facing the same way in the wardrobe…..why wouldn’t they be?

Last week I mentioned that the countryside suddenly looks yellow, now when the sun is out, lots of fields look like lakes with all that plastic sheeting.

My friend is looking for somewhere to rent in London and he suggested to the landlord that they had a Skype interview, which they did, and he got it.

How about this for a depressing fact? The heavy cotton cycle on our tumble dryer takes longer than it took my son to fly to Berlin the other morning. I also think the flights were cheaper too!

Don’t you hate bumping into someone who starts the conversation with ‘… don’t remember me do you?’

I paid by card for a newspaper at the self-serve till on Sunday - £1.60. The reason, I was miles away and it wasn’t until I was walking off, that I realised what I had done…..not that it bothers some people using one for such a small amount. I guess that’s what contactless cards are for and of course when money is eventually phased out, you will pay any amount by phone, card or whatever other methods are available to us.

Yes sorry, that loud profanity on Saturday night was me. I dropped the newly opened kitchen role and it snaked out across the floor.

I really don't get train tickets. I'm off to London on Sunday and by getting a slightly earlier train there and a slightly later one back, and first class, I've saved a's as if they are pushing you to take certain trains.

I wish some of the checkout assistants would calm down. I know they have to get so many items through in a certain time, but they don't give you a second. It reminds me of the old late Victoria Wood line, ‘the assistant ran the salad items over the barcode reader that quickly I ended up with coleslaw.’

Sorry 'slaw' as trendy restaurants say. That and wet chips, and desserts that are served on roofing slates.

The young couple made me smile with the kind of thing I bet we have all done. He pulled up in the car and as she went to get in he moved forward. She tried again, he nudged the car forward and her face was a picture of thunder.

I must be so boring. I fleetingly thought about what items I would put on a bucket list and I genuinely couldn't think of anything. I am either amazingly unadventurous or very content.

Why oh why do I still get to the checkout every time and find I've forgotten the bags in the boot of the car?

Imagine this, you are the first car at the red light and an ambulance is behind you with its lights flashing, and sounding its horn for you to move. Do you move forward and risk getting penalty points or hang on until the lights change? This happened to my friend who queried it with the ambulance service who apparently said ‘drivers are told to wait until the lights change.'

Signs that need to be made bigger - Baskets Only, Wet Paint, Out of Order, Till Closing and Use Other Door.

If I ever buy a product with screws, I always replace them with longer ones, especially if I am screwing it to the wall. I bought something the other day that came without screws (which I would have replaced anyway) and was I very indignant.

You know when the checkout assistant shouts 'do you want to come round?' and you are never first? Well on Saturday I was. I cannot remember that happening before.

When you are making a sandwich do you put the salad on first or the filling? Sarnie shops usually go salad, followed by the filling. I did it that way round yesterday but it wasn’t until this morning that I realised I didn’t put any ham on the sandwich and I’d eaten it without twigging there was no meat in there.

I couldn’t find my glasses on Saturday, I looked everywhere and eventually found them…..I had them on!

I mentioned the other week that I hate it when you sit on a warm seat on a bus or train. Here’s another - wearing bowling shoes that you hire for a game.

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