The Weekly Wagstaff

Remember those disapproving looks you used to get from your mother if you disappointed her? That and the look you got from a teacher if you had been misbehaving. Well I got one of those the other day in the bank when I gave the assistant my card and she pointed out that I hadn’t signed the back of it.

It was treat Friday and I went for a small caramel flapjack. I noticed I was the only one who hesitated when they were offered one because I was worried about my cholesterol.

Speaking of which, my wife who doesn’t generally worry about what she eats had the all-clear from the doctor who said it was perfectly fine. Peter Paranoid here, who is careful and does watch what he eats, had a high reading a couple of years ago.

It doesn’t matter if I call someone or they call me, I always end the conversation with ‘thanks for calling’.

I am a real klutz on the phone. The woman at the call centre said I had let my insurance lapse a couple of weeks ago and I told her that was good! I said I don’t normally open my mail for a month. There was nothing…..not a sausage from her. I think it is because I went off-script.

So we went for a meal at our friends the other evening and the standing joke is that I will fall asleep before the night is out. It really embarrasses my wife who gave me the ‘try and stay awake’ lecture before we went. Just before we set off my lad said he had been to Ladbrokes and put a fiver on me nodding off before 11 o’clock. For the record, I did stay awake!

There was a rolling roadblock on the motorway the other morning. It was just starting - the guys in the Highways Agency vehicles were just jumping in their 4x4’s to get it underway. I think I would like to have a go at that.

Would you eat a meal in total darkness? Our friends did in a dark restaurant in Berlin.

I walked into that strong wind the other day and it was really tough going. Talk about cheap exercise, who needs a gym? Thinking about it, I’ve never exercised in a gym.

Last week I said aren’t we a polite nation? You browse around a shop and on the way out you say ‘thank you’, you get off the bus and thank the driver and you come out of the doctor’s and you thank the receptionist. Here’s another, someone puts one of those divider things on the checkout conveyor in front of your shopping and you thank them too.

My son had a flat tyre and he asked me to help him change it because he hadn’t got a clue how to. He wasn’t even sure he had a spare tyre. I told him that I got to know a bit about cars by having a go at repairing them, not that you can probably do much of that on modern vehicles. What I didn’t tell him was I took a radiator out of an old Mini and replaced the one in mine but put longer screws in by mistake and punctured the radiator…..twice!

Apparently charity shops are the new record shops. Companies are repressing vinyl albums and selling them there. Although I hate the phrase, I think that’s a win-win situation.

What about this story I was told the other day? A friend of a friend of a friend was dumped by her husband, who moved out leaving a note behind on the table…..written on a torn-off piece of cereal packet. It is bad enough to just walk out on somebody and leave a scribbled note, but to do it on a bit of card!

I think this is really sad - my wife was desperate to go to the school disco but didn’t because she was painfully shy. Apparently she would book a badminton court nearest to the hall so that she could at least be close to it

I have conversations with objects around the house! One-way conversations mind, because if anything replied back, that would be weird right? Anyway the other day I was only saying to the tumble dryer ‘…..look I’ll tell you when the washing is dry and not your sensor OK?’

Wow! How much blossom is there on the trees already?

I've vacuumed my car out! I just wanted to see that in print. It's been like forever.

I had to smile as a young lad got on the school bus clutching together the lapels of his blazer. He looked frozen to death but of course teenagers don’t wear coats, even in this weather.

If I put a set of headphones on with an “L” and an “R”, I would have to put the left side on my left ear and the right one on my right ear. It would drive me silly if it was the other way around.

I will be honest the novelty of driving to work and home again in the dark is beginning to wear off.

I had this dream the other night that I had been shopping and laden down with bags, I was walking for miles with them. I woke up and my arms and legs were really aching. I may have stumbled on something…..exercise in your sleep!

Remember when every Sunday newspaper gave away CD’s and DVD’s?

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