The Weekly Wagstaff

How many times does my wife tell me off for drumming my fingers, especially when we are out?

Apparently more people are either leasing cars or simply hiring them when they need one, and car ownership is set to decrease over the coming years, especially with younger people.

I saw the space station last night. It must take real guts to go up in something like that.

Do you do much with your microwave? I was standing there staring at it bleary-eyed the other morning, waiting for my porridge to cook, and wondering what half the buttons do. Things like auto cook and auto defrost. Years ago when we got our first microwave, it came with a microwave cook book, and I’ve said it before, there is nothing finer (or sadder depending on how you look at it) than the sound of making holes with a fork in the plastic film of whatever it is you are about to cook.

How about Microwave Master Chef? I can hear Gregg Wallace now, ‘cooking doesn’t get any easier than this!’ 

I must have taken some stupid tablets recently. The other day I couldn't work the copier, putting the access key fob on the screen instead of the keypad. Then I yelled into my son's phone as he was having a hands-free conversation with his mum, but he was using the house phone several feet away. Yesterday I overtook a whole line of traffic thinking it was parked, it wasn't - it was queuing for the lights. I just knew what every driver was thinking.

My wife and I walked to the top of the memorial tower at Crich in Derbyshire at the weekend. I have a real fear of heights but always push myself, primarily because I would love to take in the view. Anyway, my legs became heavier the higher I climbed and at the top I looked out for all of a second…..what a waste of 20p that was.

I love how you tell someone with a fear not to be scared. If they could master that, they wouldn’t have the fear in the first place.

There you go, same every year, as soon as you turn your back all the fields turn yellow with rapeseed.

I did that thing last night of promising to get up early this morning and putting diesel in the car because I couldn’t be bothered yesterday. As soon as I put the key in the ignition, the “ping” reminded me of how lazy I had been.

Why have I not simply bought new batteries to replace the duff ones in the TV remote? I have been taking them out, swapping them over and even banging the controller to get it to work.

Have you noticed how pulled pork is on the menu everywhere these days?

My wife woke up from a sleep in the car (we were on a journey, she wasn't in there overnight) and the first thing she said was '.....I'm wearing a polo neck'…..really?

Do you suppose those people who run the London Marathon dressed as a giraffe, mouse or “man in a wheelie bin”; have been training in those costumes?

Is it me or do charity shops all smell the same?

The cheeseboard has to be the slowest of all desserts, especially if you choose the starter instead and sit there waiting for someone to finish their meal.

I love this sign I saw that read ‘Lift out of order – do not use!’ Surely you didn’t need to add the last three words.

How difficult can it be to hang a door? I’ve done it before, admittedly with mixed results but if I buy a new chisel, and take my time, I think I can do it. Trouble is it’s not me that I have to convince.

My wife let my son off the £10 he owed. I told her that was nice and she said '…'s OK; it was the tenner I borrowed from you.'

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