Thw Wagstaff Weekly

I love it when the person on the other end of the phone isn’t quite sure who you are. You can tell in their voice followed by ‘…..who is it again please?’ I also love it when people start the conversation with ‘hi it’s me’, assuming you know who they are.

What happens to the crust when you start a new loaf? Do you use it straight away or let it drop down the packet like some type of marker, as slices beneath it are taken out instead? I normally just grab the crust unless it’s that thin, it’s not worth sticking in the toaster.

What have you come home and found your dog doing? My friend’s dog ate a packet of Strepsils, popping each one out of the foil and ate all the chocolates under the Christmas tree. My old dog chewed up the floor covering in the kitchen! In fact when we took him to the kennels, they asked us to bring something he likes. We took a roll of lino!

There’s an M26! Who knew?

I have said this before but it’s true, your nails grown more quickly the older you get. Why is that? Why does the body need to expedite nail growth?

There just isn’t enough time to catch up with everything I want to watch. My son is watching House of Cards on Netflix, it looks good but when can I watch it? I fancied Breaking Bad but again, where will I find the time? I am up to date with Walking Dead but if you wanted to start from the first series, you will need to catch up on 90 episodes.

At the moment I have The Night Manager, the People v OJ Simpson, The Other Man, Match of the Day Two and three and a half films to work into my very busy schedule…..or when I’m not falling asleep on the settee. We have just started watching Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

The one phone call you don’t need is when someone is in the car, bored and driving for miles, with nothing to do but engage you in a long conversation.

Conjunctivitis – I bet you are blinking now and feeling as if your eyes itch.

My son, who had to have both front tyres on his car changed because he had no idea they were near to splitting, applied to renew his road tax online, only to have it declined because his MOT had run a week ago! I feel I am neglecting my duty as a dad as they are the things I should be reminding him about…..and telling him to ‘pop the bonnet’ and saying ‘let’s have a look at the engine’…..not that I have a clue what I’m doing.

Nice line from a friend of mine who went to see a production at a theatre where the seats were so close to the ones in front, he said he sat there looking like a frog with his knees almost touching his ears.

If I want something tempting like a cup of non-decaffeinated coffee or a flapjack, I will call my wife and see what she thinks. This is a bad idea as she is very weak-willed and will always say ‘yeah go on, why not?’

We had a meal at a posh restaurant the other night. It was on a voucher scheme and I always find it a tad awkward when they ask for it.

I let my friend deal with the bill. He told the restaurant owner that he wasn’t going to paying the service charge because he doesn't believe in it. We did however leave the exact amount of money as a tip. I fiddled with my phone when the conversation took place. He does confrontation much better than me. In fairness, he was polite but firm.

Are fig rolls worthy of a place in the biscuit tin or a last resort when there’s nothing else?

It must be almost be spring because we opened the back door the other day for the first time in months.

I did some shredding at the weekend and got enough shredded paper now to fill the cavity walls with insulation. How much dust?

I love it on shows like Breakfast News, Lorraine and the One Show when a band come on at the end and half way through their number, the credits start rolling.

I notice that our local supermarket car park is only free for an hour and a half. That isn’t nearly long enough for someone I know to do the big-shop.

How many bottles of milk do you suppose there are in those big metal crates at the supermarket? I ask because there was a man in the supermarket who wheeled a full one through the checkout. I would love to know how much it cost and why he wanted a whole crate of milk.

Here’s a question that most football fans must have asked themselves from time to time – If I had gone to the game, would the score have been different? It’s a bit like ‘if a tree falls over in the forest and there is nobody there…..’ 

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